It’s Not Goodbye, I’ll See You In Heaven

When I was 15, my uncle who I was closest to passed away. I didn’t see him all the time, but he was till the uncle I grew up around. I loved him so much. His death was the first time I experienced death so close. A year later in my sophomore year of high school, a friend I made in high school passed away by brutally being stabbed. We weren’t that close, but he was still someone I knew and interacted with. At that point it made me realize that anyone could die at any given moment. However, I didn’t grasp how deep death was too well. In 2010, I lost my older brother from my biological mom’s side. Again, we weren’t that close because we grew up in different households, but he was my flesh and blood. It didn’t completely hit me right away either.

It wasn’t until two of my close friends passed away that death smacked me in the face. It wasn’t til I suffered the loss of two friends, who I was in communication with constantly and became family, that was when the death of people suddenly hit me straight in the face. I never would’ve pictured that my two friends who were only 21 and 25 would lose their life so young. That’s when I realized that nobody is without the possibility of death.

I started this month of February writing a love letter to my father and now I want to continue a love letter to one of my best friends, Kristie Diaz. My best friend who I lost too soon. She was only 25 years old when she passed away. It was a month and a couple of days before her 26th birthday. Life hasn’t been the same without her.

My dear and loving Kristie, or as we knew you, K. Diaz,

Where do I start? Do you remember that we didn’t like each other in high school? You used to say I was stuck up and I was mean to you. Welll, I was only a little stuck up. I remember having French class with you and Kristie Lee and I always thought you were so loud and you always had something to say (which you always did have something to say, but later on, that’s what I loved about you). I remember getting upset with Freisa because you were saying stuff about me and she didn’t stick up for me.  It wasn’t until Freisa asked me one time to come with her to Gators to hang out with you, Pierre, and Nadia because she wanted “support” to hang out with her own friends (ha, ha Oh Freisa!). She had to convince me to go and convince me to be nice to you. I’m glad I went though, we actually connected that day and who would’ve thought that we’d end up being best friends. 


I remember always getting into “discussions” with you about everything. You sure loved to debate! I loved that you always kept a conversation going. It challenged me intellectually and it challenged me in my faith. We didn’t always agree on things. You always tried to convince me of things, but you ended up having to agree to disagree. You always ended up arguing with Pierre and man, that was always a show to see. We loved getting you hyped about stuff, especially Pierre. We all knew how much you loved Pierre. I’m pretty sure you loved him more than any of your friends (I say that, but you better not have! Lol). You loved him with every fiber of your being. I remember all of us having movie nights, which I don’t think we ever actually finished a whole movie because we ended up talking and eating. We always got together to eat. Oh how you LOVED cooking for your friends. You always made the best pasta and always made brownies for us from scratch (those brownies were life).  You had a way of bringing us all together to just spend quality time together and have long conversations filled with lots of laughter. 




You were such an amazing friend. I remember we would spend hours talking when I went over. You always started a new topic as I was heading out the door so that I would stay longer. I don’t think there was ever a time that I left your house early. We’d hang out in the kitchen talking while you cooked me a meal (because you always spoiled me). I remember your mom and I teaming up and calling you “translucent” whenever you talked about being “tan” ha, ha. We would always talk about your love for Robert Pattinson and when I was so into T.I (oh, our younger years). We’d talk about our problems with family or friends or relationships, we’d talk about our future goals, and everything in between. I remember you would sometimes say that you wanted a wedding and then sometimes you didn’t want to get married lol. Or you would talk about not wanting children, but before you passed, you mentioned that you wanted a child, but that you felt that was never going to happen. Deep inside, I know you just longed to be loved. You longed for an unconditional love that you felt you never received. You don’t realize how much you were loved though, but now you are in heaven receiving all the love from our God Almighty. 

You were one of the strongest people I knew. You were always in pain or always sick or somehow always with a broken or sprained body part, but you always had a smile on. You always made me laugh. You were always willing to help and be there for any family member or friends.

You always had a way of making your presence known. My mom called you “Superstar”. You really were. You had a talent for acting. I remember how excited you were to start acting when you saw Freisa acting. I remember how excited you were to be doing something you loved. You were always making sure everyone else was okay and taken care of, so it was nice seeing you do something that you loved. You lit up the stage when you came out doing your hilarious skits. Then your light started to dim after being in a relationship that destroyed you inside. I don’t hold any grudges against the person that broke you and stole your joy, but it hurts sometimes that we lost 9 months of spending time together because of someone who took you for granted, who instead of lifting you up, broke your spirit, someone who took the joy you had in your heart and robbed you of your self-esteem. We spent nine months apart. You spent nine months by yourself being tortured with nobody to lift you up. I remember being angry because I knew deep in my heart what was going on, but I couldn’t force you to see something you didn’t want to see. I’m happy that I was able to die to my pride and I stopped by your house to see how you were doing after nine months of zero communication. God seriously knew what He was doing at that point.

I still remember the smile on your face when you opened the door that day. I remember that smile quickly turned into tears as you began to cry and say I’m sorry for pushing me away because of a man that was controlling you, manipulating you, and destroying your spirit. It was October. October 2014. I remember how you broke down and told me everything that was going on. I remember being infuriated with that person because of what they were doing to you emotionally and mentally. I told you to cut it off and stand up for yourself and slowly, but surely you did. After we caught up on what was going on in your life, I told you the news about me being pregnant. You were so excited. You talked about how you were going to spoil my child and take them to Disney. 

That year was the last birthday I got to spend with you. I still remember that night. I was pregnant. I was so happy to spend my birthday with the people who were so important to me. I remember how much you had me laughing that night, especially when we were playing Heads Up. Then a couple of days later we celebrated Freisa’s birthday. That day was an epic day for you. That’s when you saw Alex again after a year. Who would’ve thought, right? You guys forgot about everyone that night and were just hanging out and talking the whole night. I was so happy for you because I knew how interested you were in him. He really made you happy. You always talked about how sweet he was and how he made you feel so beautiful. Things eventually didn’t work out, but you guys had something special while it lasted. He really loved you. He wrote Freisa a beautiful message after he found out of your passing. 



One of the best gifts that I thank God for is that you were able to meet Selena. You were always asking me how my pregnancy was going and after Selena was born you came the very next day to see her. You were always asking for pictures of her to brighten your day. I wish I would’ve captured the moment with a picture the day you met her and held her, but it will forever be in my heart. I still have the messages that you wrote me about her being able to call you “Tata” because that’s what Sophia called you and Selena was going to have the same privilege. 

The day I saw people were posting R.I.P on your Facebook, my heart stopped. I had literally just talked to you like a week or so before. You were busy with nursing school and I had just had Selena and had gone back to work, so we didn’t get to spend that much time together, but we messaged through Whatsapp. I remember calling Freisa right away and we met up at my house to immediately go to your mom’s house. When we got there, your mom said that she didn’t know why people were writing R.I.P because you were still in the hospital. So we went right away and prayed over you. We had faith and believed you would come back, but God had other plans. I’m not going to lie, there was a moment where I was angry with God. I cried for days. I cried nonstop at random moments. “Why?” was what I was constantly asking myself. I remember playing Nina’s Sky’s “Missing You” over and over and over again and in between I would play “our” song and I would just break out crying because so many memories came to my mind. I kept thinking about the fact that Selena wasn’t going to get to know you and that literally broke my heart. 


 I remember going to the hospital before they unplugged the machines that were helping you breath. I had so much faith that you were going to wake up that I didn’t say goodbye, but maybe I wasn’t supposed to and that was the point. Before you passed, you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior, so I know that I’ll see you in heaven. Freisa was the last one to see you and talk to you. She was the last one to ever hold your hand and tell you that we all loved you. Your  mom donated your organs, which is exactly what we all know you would’ve wanted. Can you believe that you saved four lives though? Amazing, huh? Even after you passed away, you still served others.

It hasn’t been an easy journey accepting that you’re not here anymore. I live super close to where you lived, so I’m constantly reminded of your absence. Sometimes I pass in front of your house to cut through to go to my parents’ house. Passing by your house brings back so many memories. It hasn’t been easy for any of us. We always talked about who would get married and settle down first and you always said that it would be me, but I always said it would be you. We even made a bet for $20 on who would have a baby first (I totally owe you $20 lol). I got married by the church. It hurt my heart that you couldn’t be there, but I had a representation of you on my bouquet. Chloe wasn’t able to be there either, but you already know that because I’m sure you’re both in heaven. 


Sometimes I just want to pick up my cellphone and send you a message through Whatsapp. I still have all the pictures we have together. I have voice messages from Whatsapp with us singing Disney songs. I have a video of a time that we were in the hospital being silly. I’m glad that I have random memories of you saved. I still cry at times because I would’ve never thought that I would lose a close friend at such a young age. I miss you so much.  Freisa doesn’t talk too much about it, but I know she misses you a lot. Pierre is hurting. He misses you so much and he hasn’t fully come to terms either. You were such an important person in our group, so it doesn’t feel the same without you. We have planned to get together and have a Gator night in honor of you and our nights together when Pierre comes down from New York. 

Many things come to mind when I think of you and I can go on forever with so many memories and moments of laughter, but the only words I can think to sum you all up is “BEAUTIFUL SOUL”. You loved hard, you were always willing to serve others before yourself, and you always made sacrifices for your family and friends. You are forever remembered. You are forever missed. I still randomly think of you and cry, but I know that when Jesus comes back, we will meet once again in Heaven. 

Fly high, butterfly!



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