My Mommy Testimony

When I was in elementary school, I used to have my life planned out and had a set time frame as to when I was going to get married and have kids. When I was about 16 years old I still would say that I wanted to get married and have kids, but when I got to 19 years old I decided that I wanted to never have kids and just be the “fun aunt”. I remember thinking that this world is just too horrible to bring kids into, in addition to the fact that I just hate carrying things. (I’m not sure if that happens to any other mother out there, but I was never the type to even have big purses, so I was never thrilled with the fact that when you have kids you have to carry so much stuff!).

So on that August 4th, 2014 at the age of 23, when I took that pregnancy test and it came out positive, I felt like my whole world was going end. At that moment in my life, my priorities were work, my boyfriend, and going out whenever I could, which was all the time because I didn’t really have many responsibilities. My relationship with Chris, my now- husband was just not where it should be and I remember just thinking about how much I was going to disappoint my father because he always talked about how he wanted me to do things the right way and finish school, have my career, get married, AND THEN have kids. I remember feeling so numb. I had taken the test and the line was REALLY faint and I was thinking in my head, “This is probably a false positive.” (You know, because those are so common. Womp.) I took the test put the cap on, put it in my pocket, got in the car, and Chris asked me, “What’s wrong?” and I looked at him and said, “We’re screwed.” He looked at me SO confused and I pulled out the test and he starts laughing like he was excited, which at this point I wasn’t sure whether to karate chop him or just cry.

Anyone who has known me for a long time knows how much I would advocate against abortion. However, at that moment, I was SO panicked and I remember saying, “I have to get rid of it.” Chris was excited and he wanted to keep the baby from the beginning, but I remember feeling so numb to everything and being afraid of what the outcome would be, so I thought, “Let me get rid of the baby before things get any worse.” The few people that I told about the situation “supported my decision” and said they would be there for whatever I needed, but one of my friends flat out said, “No, don’t do it, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” My friend, Chloe allowed herself to be used by God that day. She told me that everything would be alright and that God was going to align things in order with Chris and myself and that things were going to be just fine. I felt convicted in my heart at that moment, but I still was unsure.

Since my relationship with Chris at the time wasn’t the healthiest and he was doing a lot of things that I disapproved of. I remember praying to God and saying, “These are my conditions, if this, this, and this doesn’t happen and those things don’t change, then I’m getting rid of this baby.” Within the week, my conditions were met. I got freaked out and needed more “confirmation from God.”

I remember when I told my mom, she said that she was going to support my decision, but that I had to tell my dad either decision I made. I panicked because, at that point, the point of getting the abortion was so that my dad wouldn’t find out because I didn’t want to disappoint him. When I told her that I had made the decision to get the abortion and I had scheduled it and everything, she was quiet and didn’t say much at the moment. However, a couple of days after she told me that she had talked to one of her friends who was also a psychologist and that for some reason she was crying and that her friend told her that she was crying because she already loved her grandchild, even though she hadn’t met “it”. That was also a moment of conviction. I questioned if maybe everything would actually be okay. I wasn’t a teenager getting pregnant, I was 23 years old. I was an adult.

The day of the scheduled appointment, I was on my way to get Chris so that he could drive after I got the procedure done and I was praying to God for something to give me a sign that I shouldn’t go through with it. At the time, I wasn’t really in the right path with God and had strayed away from His path so I didn’t really think He’d answer instantly, but He heard and answered my prayer in that moment. As I was turning into the complex,  I see a van with a picture of Jesus. I had never seen the sticker and I haven’t seen it again, but it was a picture of Jesus and at that moment I just remember crying because it was another conviction. In my heart I felt God saying, “I gave my Son for you and for everyone, so that they may have life and no sin is without forgiveness and I will make things right”. I still wanted more conviction mainly because I was extremely hard headed. [Looking back, I feel like it was like in the movie Bruce Almighty, where God was giving him all these signs saying “Warning”, “Detour”, and he didn’t listen so he had to learn the hard way. Yeah, pretty much me at that moment in time.] So I went to Planned Parenthood and there were protesters outside and my heart wanted to come out of my chest. Chris didn’t know that there were going to be protesters, so it made him more sure that he didn’t want this. I remember feeling another wave of conviction at that point. I knew that I had always stood against abortion, so why was I about to go through with it? What if God really was going to take care of everything? Why was I doubting God? Why was I going to get rid of a life because I didn’t do things correctly?

We go inside and Chris was just like, “Lets go, we’re going to keep it.” I was being stubborn and went through the whole process (they make you get a sonogram, test your blood, and some other procedures) and when the moment of truth came, I said, “I think I’m going to keep it.” I felt nervous, but I felt a peace come over me. At that moment, I left the rest in God’s hands.

The day I told my dad, I was so nervous I started laughing (when I get nervous I laugh). However, just like my beautiful friend (who unfortunately passed away), Chloe said, everything worked out the way God intended it to and on April 14th, 2015 at 7:43 pm, Selena Christine Pagan blessed the world with her entrance.

This experience really led me to really know who God is and how much He loves His children. It also showed me that God will truly make a message out of your mess. At that moment of panic, I was so certain that the best decision was to get rid of my baby because it was more convenient for me and my lifestyle and my financial situation, but God had other plans. I couldn’t picture my life without my beautiful baby girl and without my wonderful husband. God turned our disaster of a relationship into a marriage and has given us a family.

I was always against abortions, but now even more because I know what it’s like to be in that position of panic. My experience may not be the same as every other person’s out there, but if there’s something that I can say is, there is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING we can do that is beyond God being able to repair. We all make mistakes and we make bad decisions, but there’s nothing we can do that God can’t fix. In our own reasoning we can’t fathom the things God can do, but God is a supernatural God, He works WAY above and beyond our reasoning. He can do things beyond the unexpected. Ha, see what I did there? 

Sometimes we go through situations that we think there is no way out or that we can find “quick fix” solutions, but in reality, there is a God in heaven and there is a law of process that we all have to go through. God will always be there to help you and show you mercy through every decision you make, but you have to be willing to give him control and you have to be willing to go through the process. God may have blessed us in abundance, but it was still a process, it wasn’t an easy one, but we’ve come out with a stronger relationship in our marriage, a beautiful baby, and above all, a closer and more intimate relationship with God that grows daily.

I pray over each and every person’s life who reads this and just know that God is a God of mercy and favor, but in order to receive all that, you must be willing to receive the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ. If you’re not sure about your salvation, take a moment and pray to God, ask for forgiveness of your sins, and tell Him you accept Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, and renounce all covenant with the world. Amen and start your new journey towards Christ. ♥

Be blessed!